What the f*ck is this?!!? This is the most horrible thing I've ever seen! Apparently art skills are not a necessity in this job. Is this guy kidding me? I look like I've just been punched by a large bouncer named Lupo.

When the sketch is finished, the artist presents it to me, grinning. He holds it out like a rare jewel on a silk pillow.

"There you go," says the motherf*cker.

Is this really how I look through his smarmy eyes?

"That's horrible. That's absolutely awful," I say without a smile. The artist is still grinning. I'll show him. I'll get the last word. I'll make fun of his work on the World Wide Web!