At the Human Resources office, they close the door as soon as I come in. Danielle, the normally bubbly Human Resources officer, seems tough, but fair. Hope, however, is livid. I've never seen her like this in two years of daily contact. She is too angry to speak or even look at me. I feel condemned already.If it were me and Fred together, it'd be different. I might feel emboldened. But I look around. They've got their notebooks and pens, their facts, their seniority. They have the power to fire.
"Nick, we've talked with Patti and she's very upset. She told us about incidents that, frankly, don't look very good. You've said a number of things to her that have made her feel hurt and humiliated. She feels wounded. That's actually what she said. And when I hear that, Nick, I know things have gone way too far."I want to say that I don't spend a lot of time on my own feelings. That I mostly distinguish between depression and not-depression, and that I find other people's feelings pretty fucking boring. But this is their game, and I either play by their rules or I'm outta here.
"Feel" is definitely the key word. "Patti feels." Feel. This is not an intellectual exercise, facts against other facts, patterns, argument, sophistry. This is about how someone feels. I know that my next few words will determine the rest of the conversation. I also know that the word "feel" belongs with the first breath out of my vulgar little trap.
I say, "Oh, I feel terrible. I feel terrible. I had no idea it went so far..."It's not completely an act and it's not completely the truth. I don't know if there is a truth to be pinned down. Not yet. What matters is their perception of it. I'll deal with my end later. Right now, I don't want to lose my job. I rub my forehead, frown, make sure to maintain eye-contact. The position of my hands, the way I sit, the uncertainty and searching quality in my voice:
They warm up, surprised by my reaction. They've heard horror stories about my oafish behavior. In their minds, I'm a regular Packwood. They're set for a fight, and here I am at their feet, asking how to make amends. They're willing to listen. I have a chance to dig myself out of the hole.
