I WAS A TELEPHONE PSYCHIC

<BODY BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF"> <center><img src="../../imgs/i_pay.gif" border=0 ALT="---PAY---"></center><p> <P> <H1>I Was a Telephone Psychic</H1> <H3>by <A HREF="../../bios/leon.html">Harmon Leon</A></H3> Just the other day, I was staring at an ad in the SF Weekly: "Psychics Wanted for Phillip Michael-Thomas Psychic Reader Network." <P> Suddenly, I began to feel extraordinarily psychic. Coincidence? I think not. <P> In the 1980s, Phillip Michael-Thomas was the star of the #1 television program "Miami Vice." Eventually, the show went off the air, and no one heard from him for a while. But recently, Michael-Thomas re-emerged on TV with his #1 telepathic hotline, "The Psychic Reader Network," leading a team of 2,000 "qualified" professional clairvoyant advisors. How could I ignore the opportunity to join this incredible man in his quest to help humanity? <P> I answered the ad. They mailed me an application. It consisted of the following two items: <DL> <DD><DD> 1) a form to sign, reading: "I, _____________, acknowledge that I have experience as a psychic. I feel I can give genuine, accurate readings to the public with confidence." <P> 2) a paragraph asking about my "type of psychic experience," to which I replied: "I am very psychic! I predict things. I read people's minds. I have been a psychic for eight or nine years. In fact, I predict I will get this job. Nine out of 10 times my predictions are correct."</DL> <PRE> </PRE> <H3>The interview</H3> <P> Three days after sending my application, I get a phone call. "This is Josie from the Psychic Readers Network!" Josie tells me my application checks out. I'm told a few rules: never give callers your home phone number, and never tell them to send you money. <P> Then I'm asked to give an impromptu psychic reading. Luckily, I'd seen the infomercial a few nights earlier. <P> <DL> <DD><DD> "Your name is Josie, correct?"<BR> "Yes."<BR> "What is your birthday?"<BR> "7/8/57."<BR> "Josie, I sense that you enjoy your work. Am I correct?"<BR> "Yes."<BR> "And what is it that you do?"<BR> "I'm a psychic."<BR> "Good. Josie, (I see a pen on my desk) I see a pen. A pen signing ... paper. You're signing paper for A BRAND NEW CAR! You'll be getting a brand new car."</DL> <P> Josie seems pleased with my psychic ability and pretty excited about the car. She tells me I qualify to be a Phillip Michael-Thomas professional psychic adviser. The entire interview/training session has lasted about ten minutes. <P> Callers will pay $3.95 a minute, of which I will receive 25 cents per minute. Technically, I can make $15 an hour, plus a special bonus of 50 cents for getting callers to take advantage of valued discounts with the "Phillip Michael-Thomas Psychic Membership Club." <PRE> </PRE> <H3>Let the games begin</H3> <P> I'm ready to go to work. In honor of the occasion, I've christened myself with a special psychic pseudonym -- THE GREAT SHAMU! The Great Shamu will maintain an aura of great all-knowingness by referring to himself solely in the third person. He has decided to premiere his newly found gift during the Psychic Hotline Graveyard Shift--2:30 a.m. to 5:30 a.m. <P> With the help of some drunken friends ("Psychic Apprentices"), I begin my descent into the realm of the paranormal. But first, a little preparation: <PRE> </PRE> <H3>Necessary psychic gear</H3> <P> <DL> <DD><DD> <B>1 red bath towel -- to be worn as a turban <P> 1 Hotel Front Desk Bell -- to ring at moments of great psychic revelation <P> 1 bottle of Tequila -- or "Magic Psychic Juice" <P> 1 large bong -- for further inspiration</B></DL> <P> I punch my special pass-code into an 800 number. First, there's a recorded message from a man with a whiny, effeminate voice. "Be sure to get those call averages up! Everyone should be making 30-minute readings!" <P> Then my number is logged on the system. My phone immediately starts ringing. It's creepy. Regardless, I pick up the phone with confidence. <P> <DL> <DD><DD> "Psychic Hotline. This is the Great Shamu! Can you give me your name?"<BR> (long pause) "Kevin."<BR> He sounds like the saddest man on Earth.<BR> "Kevin, the Great Shamu senses despair."<BR> (Long pause) "Not happy."</DL> <P> I spend the next 45 minutes listening to the most intimate details of Kevin's truly depressing life. <P> Gulp! I guess I'm not fully prepared for this. I was ready to entertain Kevin with mysterious images of dark corridors, quicksand, and vultures pecking out eyes. I thought I'd be talking to bored people looking for stupid fun. But then I realize you have to be pretty desperate to call a psychic hotline at 5:30 in the morning. I realize I'll be talking to a lot of sad people--people who need positive reinforcement in their lives. I vow to try this with my next caller. My psychic apprentices ply me with more "Magic Psychic Juice." Bless them. <PRE> </PRE> <H3>Be positive</H3> <P> <DL> <DD><DD> "The Great Shamu sees major success in your future. Have you had a visitor from your past recently?"<BR> "No, I haven't," sighs Cilenda.<BR> "Oh, you soon will. I'm getting the number six. It's either six weeks or six months. Yes. Six months. Something important will happen in six months, and I believe you know what I'm talking about."<BR> "Does it have to do with my finance?"<BR> "Yes!"<BR> "Will me and my finance stay together?"<BR> "I'm getting the image of a cake. Perhaps a reception or a party... Or, a wedding reception! Now, you've been together for two years?"<BR> "Three years."<BR> "But in the second year you knew you were in love."<BR> "Yes."<BR> "I knew that. I'm getting the color blue. I believe it's an ocean. I see the two of you on a beach. Frolicking in the water. Roasting weenies on a fire."</DL> <P> This news leaves Cilenda contented. Ahhh, my first satisfied customer. <PRE> </PRE> <H3>Be vague</H3> <P> The phone calls keep coming. I increasingly find that it's helpful to make vague predictions and leave plenty of room for interpretation. You can't go wrong if you predict the mundane. <P> <DL> <DD><DD> "I see something happening at a grocery store. Do you live in the vicinity of a grocery store?"<BR> "Yeah, about five miles," answers my caller, Rosemary.<BR> "Yes I know. I'm seeing something happening with a shopping cart. Now, something has happened recently at a grocery store. Can you tell me what that was?"<BR> "Nothing really."<BR> "Interesting! That means something will happen."<BR> [sound of kids screaming] "I have to go. My husband just walked in! The kids are telling him I'm talking to my boyfriend."</DL> <PRE> </PRE> <H3>Make stuff up</H3> <P> The more "Magic Psychic Juice" I imbibe, the clearer my predictions become, and the clearer I see that I'm basically being paid to lie. This is more ingenious than making random crank phone calls, because not only are the victims calling you, they're paying $3.95 a minute to do so! Bring on more callers! <P> <DL> <DD><DD> "I'm sensing the color yellow. Yolanda, are you wearing yellow right now?"<BR> "No. Creme."<BR> "I'm sorry. I'm getting a bit of blockage. I see something at the workplace which is causing stress."<BR> "I don't work."<BR> "I know that. What I'm sensing is a new career occupation. It's something to do with computers. Now, is this true?"<BR> "Well, I'm interested in computer programming."<BR> (Bingo!) "Okay, those are the computers I saw. But I'm reading a lot of doubt and uncertainty."<BR> "How much does this cost a minute, again?"<BR> "See, there's the doubt. Now, I asked you earlier to write down a question to ask me later. What is that question?"<BR> "Will my husband divorce me?"<BR> "It's funny that you ask that because I wrote down on a piece of paper...THE SAME QUESTION!! I see compatibility. You have similar similarities. There's a hobby you share, am I right!"<BR> "Yeah."<BR> "It's a sport of a sort ... Is it archery?"<BR> "No."<BR> "But you do enjoy sports."<BR> "I've got to go."<BR> "Before you go, I see you'll be having a dream tonight involving a dolphin. Just keep that in mind. I'll explain it to you next time you call."</DL> <PRE> </PRE> <H3>Confidence</H3> <P> Whoops, I spilt some "Magic Psychic Juice!" I'm starting to feel like KING PSYCHIC of the free world! Time for a gutsy prediction: <P> <DL> <DD><DD> "What's your name?"<BR> "Ronny Tilsdale."<BR> "Ronny, I'm getting an image of an orange pig! Does this make sense to you?"<BR> "An orange pig?!"<BR> "An orange pig!"<BR> "No?"<BR> "There's not an orange pig in your room?"<BR> "No!"<BR></DL> <P> Outright giggling doesn't help my psychic credibility. Since my caller is unaffected by this and doesn't hang up, I use professional discretion and terminate the call. <P> One last test of my amazing gift. I want to see if I can actually make my next caller run around her home. <P> <DL> <DD><DD> "There's a box in your room that's not ordinarily there, am I right Cindy?"<BR> "Yeah."<BR> "This box ... I see yellow."<BR> "How did you know that?"<BR> "It's a yellow box."<BR> "Oh my God!"<BR> "Where's the box?"<BR> "By the door."<BR> "Can you get the box and put it on the table. Can you do that for me?"<BR> "Yeah."<BR> "Go."<BR> "Okay, I've got it."<BR> "Good, Cindy. There's an object in the box. Can you take that object out?"<BR> "Okay."<BR> "Now put that object on the other side of the room. GO!"<BR> (I hear the sound of phone being put down and Cindy stepping quickly across the room.)</DL> <P> As I listen to her footsteps scrabble with what I imagine to be desperation across her floor, I have a sudden psychic jolt about the present. I see a desperate, pathetic society, and within it, I see myself, drunk, stoned, be-toweled, torturing a tortured soul who is paying me for the privilege. And suddenly, the thrill is gone. The thrill ... is gone. <P> Sure I'm disgusted by my behavior. Sure, I'm revulsed by my little foray into flimflammery. I feel like a snake oil salesman. A jerk. I've misused my psychic gift. <P> But I'll tell you something--one last prediction from the Great Shamu: when I get my $53 check in the mail for the night's work, I'm gonna spend the entire thing on tequila. And I'm gonna like it. <P ALIGN=CENTER> <center> <br> |<br> |<br> <A HREF="../../pay/index.html">back to pay</A> <br> . <br> . <br> </center> </BODY>