, walking door to door with a funky briefcase selling the American People's Encyclopedia. I've got a mustache and nice trimmed sideburns. I'm wearing a light blue suit with a dime bag of maryjane in the pocket. Pretty nice threads. The vomit stains hardly show.

There's this one house that looks perfect, leaf-blower out front, plastic bird bath. I ring the bell. A stocky muscular guy opens the door. He's about sixty with an olive green tee shirt and a gray crewcut. His face is all pink and red like he's been scrubbing it with SOS. I tell him I'm doing some survey work in the area. He's silent so I just walk in.

I look around the living room. There's this crucifix-clock on the wall, right next to a velvet painting of Sally Field as the Flying Nun. I say "Hey man, did you know that the American People's Encyclopedia is the only encyclopedia officially endorsed by the Vatican?"