HUSBAND ON HORMONES and THE TACKY BOYFRIEND

Question 1 of 2

Dear Dr. Lovelady,

My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been married for seven years. Now, after two children, he's told me he feels like he is a woman. If I'd known anything about transsexualism before I would have seen the telltale signs, but as it was I either ignored them or wrote up his behaviour to sexual fetish.

But it's here now, and it's not going away. I was shocked for a while, still trying to deny it. Then I was depressed, and crying all the time.

My husband is seeing a good psychotherapist now, and he's thinking seriously of hormones. He said he wants me to stay with him, that he loves me, and will live outwardly (kids, job,etc.) as a man, but he will be taking hormones, and will be more physically and emotionally feminine. There is a local support group, but we've noticed the people involved are either crossdressers or transgendered men who are "out" at their workplace and family. We didn't meet anyone else who was "riding the fence," or living in both worlds at once.

How possible--or healthy--is it for someone to know he is a she, but to continue to live as a man for the family? I worry that he will become angry at us for holding "her" back, and I worry about the outcome of this situation on the kids (who are still very young). I love him dearly, and want to believe this could work, but I just don't know. What's your opinion?

Signed,
Scared of the Future

Dear Scared:

First of all, I'm glad your husband is getting good help, but how about you? He, as the identified person-with-a-problem, is getting loads of therapy, but I hope that your depression and other responses to his dramatic life change are being attended to. You seem to be worried mostly about his mental health and that of your kids, but are you being taken care of? You're concerned that he might be angry at you for holding him back? Are you not angry at HIM for changing your whole relationship around? No? Really? Not one tiny smidgeon of crankiness?

My take on this is that you and husband are at the stage where you're trying to hold onto what you can in your relationship. You're both "sitting on the fence". He says he'll take hormones but continue to pretend he's a man outside the family. For how long? You say you're willing to accept this compromise. For how long? We might call this the damage-control phase: you're trying to accept what has to be, but also hanging on to what was. Of course. Change is so painful, especially when you still love each other and when young kids are involved.

Will this arrangement work? My best guess would be, maybe, for awhile. But I think that eventually you're going to want to be in a relationship with a man again. And you'll gradually accept the fact that you can still love your husband and maintain a close relationship with him and he can still be a great parent to your kids--but he'll be living in another apartment, as a woman, and he won't be your husband anymore.



Question 2 of 2

Dear Dr. Lovelady,

I recently met a man I like very much. He is kind and loving and our regard for each other just keeps growing. There is just one thing about him which disturbs me very much. He wears a diamond pinky ring...without irony.

I find him very handsome, but I cringe every time I glimpse the twinkle of that tacky jewelry. Do you think I can ask him to remove it? Or do you think we are just basically incompatible?

I really like this guy. Please help!

Signed,
Fashion Fascist

Dear Fascist:

Ugh. You poor thing. I mean, alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, THOSE we can deal with, but TACKY JEWELRY?!?!?

I feel your pain. Right now you are probably trying to convince yourself that overlooking the ring is the "mature" thing to do--that what is important is the Inner Man, his kindness, generosity, and companionship.

Well, you're wrong. The fine qualities your swain possesses may be important, but equally important is The Ring. The Ring is a powerful signifier. It symbolizes an entire way of life, a system of aesthetics, a deep value structure.

When you associate with a man who wears such a ring, you may find that your life gradually changes in ways you never would have forseen. It'll start slowly. Instead of dinner in a charming bistro, you'll find yourself eating at Sizzler--or even Hooters! Instead of discussing literature, you'll be subjected to speculation about the state of Frank Sinatra's health, as reported in The National Star. Your Matisse posters will be replaced with dogs playing poker on velvet. Vacations will be to Poconos resorts with heart-shaped beds. I could go on, but I don't think any of us want me to.

Now, after giving this grim situation much thought you may decide that you want to proceed with the relationship anyway; after all, what are the alternatives? The cold, full-of-himself indie rock musician? The drooling, puerile new media developer? We all know that a good man is hard to find. Ultimately, it is your decision. I am just here to point out that you must keep your eyes open in this matter. As psychoanalyst C.G.Jung put it, "What is not brought to consciousness comes to us as fate."

Know The Ring, or The Ring will prevail.