11:20 PM, same day


 

KQ has a new thing now called KQScope where people call & tell em what
they think about the station-This is the first time they've done
it-kinda cool. I went down to the club & saw Fries, then Sarah for a
while. It's good to talk to Fries sometimes cuz she says things that
I'm too embarrassed to say sometimes. She helps me fill out my mind a
little, y'know...



But today she was a little hung up on being a good girl for her
parents so she wasn't so mellow & into me as usual-get it? I'm trying
to make sense on paper & listen to the radio at the same time, it's
sorta hard. My hair's so dirty & my bed is filthy. Yuck.

I figured out my problem lately, I think it's that springtime
depression that a lot of people get--just like holiday depression.
You're supposed to be real happy etc. but you're not so you get
depressed. That's me, all right. Everybody's gettin' their licenses &
going places w/ all their friends & I don't have any out-of-school
friends to go to parties & Seaweed Symphony etc. with. It gets me
defensive when I'm afraid people will ask, "What'd ya do this
weekend?" & it never sounds like anything, maybe it isn't. People just
don't understand when I say I had a slow weekend-maybe I want it that
way.

My problem is that whenever I stay home so I can be alone, Mom finds
tons of work, etc., for me to do & I can't do what I want to do. What
a bum 

But when I go out, I can't be alone.

I'm not really thinking very straight, cuz of the radio maybe. They
just said, "It's so hard to react to flattery..." I think so too-only
I have trouble reacting to anything. How am I sposed to react
to things people say? I never know what to say, I always know facts,
yeah, but not important things, like what I've done, what I think,
what I believe. It's hard to argue when I don't know where I
stand...Usually when I talk it's ideas that aren't fully formed yet,
they're still molten metal waiting to be molded. But then people like
Lolly & Ruth who already know all their ideas   on
me & argue, argue, argue.

I'm not saying what I think, I'm asking what I think. Also I
hate it when I say something that is absolutely true for me & my
family * Lolly argues and says, "Yes you can, just...." Or "Can't you
just....", "So what, just.....". Well maybe she can do it but I can't!

I want to stay comfortable in my bedroom & my house I don't
wanna be kicked out I don't have anyplace where I'd rather go. I can't
leave as easily & bring all the stuff that I want. My mom does
care when I do stuff she doesn't like & she can do stuff to me
to hurt me that I don't want her to do. I have to accept her and her
ideas in order to be safe & comfortable in the way I want. I wish
other people would just accept it & not try to change me & shape me to
what they want from me.