February 27










Why do I have to be trapped during 
the best years of my life? I'll be worn 
out by the time I'm out of here. I can't 
carry out my own ideas, live my own way, 
or reach for my goals. My whole life is 
scheduled--for 2 1/2 more years. I can't 
believe I'll own the whole world then--even 
if I go to college or work, it'll be for my 
own purposes!

I'm in lamentable (used the thesaurus for 
that one, I was gonna say "desperate") need 
of some good grass.  I miss it--I thought I 
could stop but non. I won't drink, though, or 
smoke pollution cylinders (however you spell it). 
God damn why don't they leave this poor planet 
alone so I can have a chance at it? Every 
time I wonder about what I want to do in the 
future, I wonder, "But what if we have to live 
in airproof chambers or something."

I just got an upper--I found out my yucky 
stereo is perfect for my yucky room. I'm 
listening to "Solace"--if I only could 
explain how it makes me feel! It 
makes me wish I knew ballet. Now "The 
Entertainer" is on--I like the version in 
The Red Back Book, better than this 
one from The Sting--it's also more 
complete. I can play the first part of the 
Maple Leaf Rag perfectly now--after 1 1/2 
nights. That's pretty good considering I 
couldn't even read it at first. I wanna hear 
that Robert Redford & the Howling Wolves 
record of the S___'s. Now, The Easy Winners 
is on. I like it ok. But they don't play the 
clap part right on this record. I always have, 
do now, and always will love ragtime, even 
though I can't even begin to explain what it is.

I wish I could be alone all weekend. I hate 
having the family around--they're even worse 
than my "friends". I finally found a copy
of O'Neill's plays so I could read The 
Iceman Cometh. I've been wanting to read 
it for a long time. I like the feeling of having
an experience that I know many anonymous 
persons before me have had also--or, like 
reading something I know a person I admire 
from afar has read too.

I think I'll stay outside all day X-country 
skiing etc, tomorrow.


I wish I had a totally natural talent that 
didn't depend on equipment i.e. foreign objects. 
I'm starting to get disenchanted with photography, 
it's just another unnatural technicality. I 
want to live with the wild Indians or the 
tribes in Africa, not only making my own clothes 
but raising the animals for the cloth too. I 
read that the Eskimos used only 4 elements: 
snow + ice, stone, bone, & skin: to make a 
complex society. Why couldn't I go live in 
Alaska and have my own simple society? 
It's so hard having conflicting dreams. My spirit 
craves attention of a glamour-sex-sad movie 
star whom all love & she lives in N.Y. My other 
fantasy is what I said above--living in 
extreme, complete harmony w/ nature. 
Tomorrow or tonite I must make a list of all 
my goals & the methods to reach them. Then...then 
what? I dunno. Then then I guess.  One is 
meditation. I hate the word. I don't know why 
but it makes me feel like clasping my hands & 
pursing my lips.

 TOMORROW:
   1) Give Lulu medicine for ears
   2) brush her
   3) pick up room
   4) do homework
   5) sew
   6) X-country
   7) wash hair
   8) guitar
   9) piano--even tho I'm getting sick of 

HA HA HA as if I ever follow anything I 
plan it always turns out the exact 
opposite--that's called irony. (chalk one up Mac)

1:15 AM & still goin (sorta) strong Ms. C___ 
broke her wrist at the P___'s & M. is here, 
I hope I don't have to take care of the
little priss tomorrow. Ms. P___ came & brought 
her over. She's strange--pretty Ms. America 
on the exterior, but I've heard pretty wild 
stories about her.